Five...Fear...Waiting

This morning as I was hurriedly brushing all the tangles out of Giulietta's hair in the bathroom and trying to make sure that my little monkey girl Presley wasn't jumping off of the counter, Giulietta turned her head up and asked, "Mommy, how many people do you have living in our house?" Without thinking, I quickly responded with, "Four! Why?" She went on to say that she created a family tree at school and when her teacher asked her how many people lived in her home she said five. Again without thinking I quickly responded with, "You know we only have four people honey. We have Mommy, Daddy, Presley, and YOU!" She looked at me, said "Yes!", and us girls quickly went along our way without any further discussion of the make up of our family or living situation. I grabbed the keys, the kids, and the essentials and headed out the door later then we have been in a LONG time.

With Fall sorta upon us in California, and I say sorta because today we are expecting another 90 degree heat wave, the morning snuggles in Mommy & Daddy's bed have been amazing, and this morning I just wasn't quite ready to give it up. Hence, the big one was 30 minutes late for school, and I just kinda didn't care. We were making our own special memories at home this morning, and that was important to me. Soaking up the littleness that surrounds me, their giggles, and their want and need to be close to me is way more important these days then getting somewhere on time. My motto has become...

"It can wait, life is happening right here with them, with me, with us. When I blink they'll grow, they'll change, they'll walk their own path!"

After dropping G off at school and having to walk back to the car twice in order to get her lunch & then her share item, I placed my head against my headrest, engulfed a big breath, and took a minute to rehash the morning. As a smile slowly creeped up my lips while I thought about my girls sandwiched between their Daddy-O and I, something in the back of my mind abruptly shook my happy moment right off my face and out of my heart. Just one word replayed over and over and over again in my head. "Five! Five! Five!" Suddenly it occurred to me...we should have 5 people! The girls should have another sibling to dance around the house with, to walk down the street with, to wrestle and pull hair with. But, they don't, we don't, I don't!

And...if I  sat here and said it was okay, I'd be lying. Truth be told it really isn't, and it probably never will be. However, it is life, it is the path I walk, and it is the one that I embrace. There are times that hurt worse then others, like today for example, but for the most part my heart still smiles at all the beauty that surrounds me, at my little ladies that I do have, at my amazing family & friends who support me no matter how crazy I may be at times.

Once my happy thoughts began filling the empty void I was left reeling with after the mention of "five," my mind began to wander deeper.  I started thinking about when the Morad Four would become a five. Everyone knows that the hubster and I have always planned on having three kids, and sometimes the idea or four gets tossed around every now and then. And, it seems as the months quickly tick by and Presley approaches 2 the questioning of when from family, friends, and even strangers is increasing more and more. I usually brush it aside with the fact that I'm still trying to get to my "goal weight" or that I'm still working at becoming more emotionally equipped after the loss of Presley's twin. As true as those two reasons might be, they aren't the only reasons nor are they the real reason why I am waiting for baby 3. I am afraid!

Afraid for the first ultrasound.
Afraid to enter the same room that represents so much hurt.
Afraid of what might be unveiled.
Afraid to walk down a path that I've worked so hard to get off of.

Acknowledging my fear, admitting the truth, and facing it make me feel like I'm somehow weak. That the strong Katie, or the facade rather that I have always put in place when everyone is around, is no longer present. But, right now, I'm really okay with being a little weak, a little vulnerable. Being weak only means that I'm feeling, living, and staying in touch with the me I've been working so hard to become.

Will I let my fear change my mind, scare me away from doing something I've always wanted to do, or navigate me down a different life path? Absolutely NOT! My fear will only propel me to overcome, learn, and grow. There will be a Morad Five! Definitely not today, tomorrow, or in the next nine months. But, when the time is right.

For now...I'm loving The Morad's being a Four!

A Mother's Letter

Let me just start this post with...if you don't have a box of Kleenex nearby, then go get them because you'll be sorry if you don't! What I have written below is a letter to Presley. You see, Presley was a twin, and the 1/2 of the whole who we have gotten to hold.  There are really so many details and feelings that I will share later, but for the purpose of the letter and this post all you really need to know, and understand is that I have grown...we have grown...and our life couldn't be more full of love!

My Dearest Presley-

It’s been 21 months since I first looked into your beautiful blue eyes and felt your tiny little fingers wrapped around my big ones. In that small amount of time you have blessed my life, our families lives, time and time again with your mischievous smile, dancing pitter-patter, and uniquely wild charisma. You make me laugh, you make me smile, and you make me want to hold you closer and tighter each day.

You see, you were one of two. Some may view you as the lucky one, the special one, or even the stronger one, but I simply see you as the only one. The one that was meant to be.

The one that never leaves a moment dull.

The one that I want to never let go, for fear of someday losing.

The one that will forever give me a run for my money.

Sometimes when you sleep, I stand over you and think about how I want to just scoop you up and hold you to me. I hold your little fingers and think about how much of this world you have yet to touch. I push the tiny hairs off your forehead and ponder what you will grow up to be like. And, I place my hand on your heart and feel the swift beats thinking how I’ll have to one day explain to you what you are missing, what we are missing. The special bond of a twin!

On these nights, tears most likely end up filling my eyes and my heart can’t help but hurt because of the thought that one day you may possibly feel a loss over not ever knowing your twin. There’s no way to know how you might feel, what you might say, or how you might act when I choose to explain to you that you once shared the same special space inside me with another. But if you do hurt, I want you to know that you can always come to me, we can always talk, and you will forever carry a piece of your twin with you.

Tonight I sat in a room with “moms of multiples,” and at first I felt sad and uncomfortable because that is what I should have been. But, I quickly redirected my feelings and thought that even though I am not raising twins, it doesn’t mean I am not a Mom of multiples. Sure, I have not felt many of their pains and joys of having two at the same time, but I have felt the pain and loss of not having two. Truth be told, I was, I am, and I forever will be a mom of twins. And, it is things like that, that make it easier for me to be okay with the fact that your brother or sister is not laying next to you in your crib at night.

Oh my little Sweet Pea…I’m sorry!

Sorry that your twin didn’t make it!

Sorry that I hold you so close for fear of losing you too!

Sorry that I was so blind to my depression the first year of your life.

Sorry that I can’t change the past!

Sorry that you forever be deemed special!

Sorry that the loss I feel may someday be felt by you.

I want you to understand that I try not to look or think about what I may be missing anymore. Instead, I look at what I have, you and your sister, my two beautiful girls. I think about how precious you both are, and how truly blessed your Daddy and I are to call you our daughters. I want to tell you that I am no longer angry for what I don’t have, but instead thankful each day for the fact that your daddy and I are your parents, the ones who get to guide you down your path hand in hand until one day we slowly let go and watch you find your way. Sure, so days I am reminded, so days I feel the loss more then others, and some days I am sad. But, for the most part, the hole that once left my heart wounded has now been filled with love. Your love to be exact…the love that you helped me find in my moment of need.

Presley Ella, you are…

SO PERFECT!

SO ANIMATED!

SO FULL OF LIFE!

SO CHARISMATIC!

SO UNIQUE!

SO CUTE!

SO SMALL!

SO KOALA LIKE!

SO YOU!

No matter where life takes you, I will always be your number one supporter, your right hand man, and your personal cheerleader. Because, you were once mine, even thought you didn’t know it. You helped me more then anyone through my rough patch. You loved me unconditionally, listened to me when I needed to talk, and held my hand when my heart hurt so bad that tears couldn’t even fall. You were my life preserver that grabbed me before I sank, and helped me float with my head above water. You opened my eyes again, and helped me see what I had, not what I was missing!

I love you Presley Ella! Always have, and always will! You are mine, and I am yours!

-Your Loving Momma