Being Absent while you're Really Present

Sometimes I'm absent while I'm really present! 

I know that sounds strange, but it's the truth.  I'm in the same room as my children, but I'm not really there. I am that Mom who is too busy on my phone checking out what the rest of the world is doing, or I'm having a conversation with another person, or I'm reading a paper that came home from school or in the mail, or I'm in deep thought about the stresses that life throws at me, or I'm working on one of my may projects that I take on, or I'm simply just ignoring them because sometimes that's what I have to do to keep myself sane! Whatever it may be, nothing, and I repeat NOTHING is more important then the three little gifts that God gave me. 

Therefore, after a week from hell with too much juggling and not enough loving, I reflected on my actions and I vowed to change a cycle that was quickly turning into a nasty habit. 

So, today after school we went to the Aquarium. I stood back as they explored the beauty of the sea. I listened to their ooh's and aah's, I traveled at their pace, I answered questions even if it took me reading the entire wall of statistics, and I took time to explore an area that we've passed so many times without even realizing it. And, today taught me that being PRESENT is where I want to be. I know that every day can't be like today, that there will be times that I have to be absent while present to multi-task and get the job done, but at least I can try and make those times few and far between. 

I can give my undivided self to my children most of the time, because after all they deserve it ALL the time! 

Like Mother...Like Daughter

It's such an odd feeling when you look at your child and see yourself. And, I don't really get this feeling a lot, even though everyone tells me they think Giulietta looks like my Mini Me. However, when I look at these picture of Giulietta, it is so easy to see myself through her. 

Maybe it's because 25 years ago I was standing on that same field holding a ball under my arm, or simply because I'm pretty sure I have dreamed these moments several times before. Regardless, my girl, these pictures, this soccer season...ALL of it make my heart smile!  

Lucky Number 7!!

It was seven years ago today that I said "I do" to my best friend! 

Throughout the last seven years we have had our ups, downs, and in-betweens. We've built a home, filled it with love, and brought three beautiful children into it. We've laughed till our stomachs hurt, cried tears of sorrow and joy, and loved each other more and more with each passing day.

I couldn't imagine my life without you by my side, nor would I want any other person on this planet to share my breathes with. You work tirelessly, sacrifice continuously, and love unconditionally. You've taught me so much about myself, how to live, and why it's important to relax and enjoy life. 

You are my ROCK that I lean on, turn to in times of need,  and look for at the end of the day! You complement me perfectly, fix the problems that I can't seem to find the answers to, drive me crazy beyond my wildest dreams, and fill the holes in my heart with love, patience, and understanding. 

I love you Ryan Morad more then words can express, or actions can show. I am so very thankful to have been your bride on this very day seven years ago, and to continue to be called your wife. My heart flutters with excitement thinking about all the years we have ahead of us in our one wild and crazy life. 

XO,  Katie 

Well...Hello there 30!

Today's my Birthday! My 30th Birthday to be exact. I know it sounds selfish to say that I'm a bit peeved that I had to share MY day this year with Jesus and the Easter Bunny, but I'm not going to lie. Sharing this year was a little more difficult then every other year when my birthday has fallen on Hitler's Birthday, the anniversary of Columbine, and 420! I suppose this is how my kids must feel when friends come over and they have to unwillingly share their favorite toys with our guests. And seeing how they have learned to do it with ease, I guess I should to because the Hubster has reassured me that this won't be the LAST time that my birthday will be celebrated on Easter! 

Regardless of the day, my Birthday this year was Great! I have been celebrated the past few weeks by my friends and family over several different occasions focused around making me feel special and loved as I approached my 30th year. It started with a surprise trip with just the Hubster and I to Solvang, followed by dinner & "The Book of Mormon," a lovely ladies night out at Maggiano's, a special family/friend pizza & ice cream bar put on by my parents, and today which was a hodge podge of Easter/Birthday celebrations! Everyone that knows me, really knows me, totally gets the fact that I LOVE to be celebrated, made the center of attention for a few hours or days, and infused with the feelings of being special and loved by those that mean the most to me. And, this year, all those around me have really done good, well spectacular actually! So, thank you! 

As I sit here and think about being 30, and what that means to me, so much is buzzing around in my brain. I suppose I should start with saying Goodbye to my 20's. For so many the 20's is a time to sew their wild oats, explore the world around them, find their "true" self, and then make a conscious effort to be a "grown-up." I  have never been "typical" when it comes to this growing up stuff. I've always been a little too mature for my peer group, a little too serious about life, a little more interested in finding who I was earlier rather then later and then acting upon it! So, like my usual self, I grabbed life by the horns and kept on riding the path of my 20's at a pace that even I found a little too fast at times! 

My 20's were filled with many milestones reached, many i's dotted and t's crossed, and many bucket list items crossed off! I graduated from college twice, got married to my best friend, had three beautiful children, bought a house (sorta), started a career (teaching) then put it on a hold for another (motherhood), learned how therapeutic and necessary therapy or simply talking to someone can actually be, traveled to several countries and across the US, bought my first & only brand new car that to this day makes me feel more alive then anything else, found my voice in writing and documenting my families lives, became a social media addict, learned how to be a really good friend, found a passion in sewing, crafting, and photography, and smiled, laughed and loved until my heart couldn't see straight! 

As lovely as my 20's were, there was a lot of learning, growing and hard work that took place. A lot of finding who I was and who I wanted to be that took some serious soul searching! I lost...some friends (or who I thought were friends rather), tears, my only living grandparent and then 2 of my husbands, my unborn child, and myself at times. My 20's were marked by challenges that many don't face until they are older or never really, and they shook me to the core and made me question ME! 

But, today I'm 30! It sounds so much older, wiser, and grown-up! Truth be told, I don't feel much different today then I felt yesterday! And, I certainly don't look much different, although today I did apply concealer on my gray bags under my eyes for the first time in my life! 30 is just a number! A number that tries to define who I am, and what I will accomplish this next decade. And, I guess that is one of the reasons why I've been a little nervous about turning 30. It's hard to really put into words why I feel this way, well actually it isn't, but those words are better left for a different post! Needless to say, my 20's provided so much newness, so much accomplishment, and so many life achieving goals that I feel that my 30's will just be a cruise-control, auto-pilot decade that I nestle into. Seeing how I'm not much of a nestler, this notion leaves me feeling antsy and troubled! 

Well..Hello there 30! I'm Katie Morad, nice to meet you! You make me more determined then ever to contradict these feelings about you that I have, and make you a time of adventure, a time of really digging deep within myself and becoming that woman (wife, mother, daughter, sister, & friend) that I am working hard to be, a time that I will look back on and have some of my fondest memories of! I am aware that you might present some hurdles that I won't necessarily enjoy jumping over, some lessons that I might be resistant to learn, and some heartache that will feel brutal. But...

I will leap

I will keep an open mind

I will listen

I will continue to stay determined

I will live in the moment

I will smile, cry, and dance

I will grow

I will love like I have never loved before

I will let it go (thank you Frozen for this little beauty)

And, I will belly laugh, because friends, it is necessary and feels so damn good at times!  

(Me..4/20/2014..30 years old..photo courtesey of Marci Phee)

5 Years Time..Happy 5th Birthday Giulietta!

At this very moment five years ago I was lying in a hospital bed anxiously awaiting the birth of my first born. I was a nervous nelly not really knowing what to expect, how to act, or what I was getting myself into. I was 24, young, educated, and determined to be the best Momma to my unborn child. After almost 24 hours of labor, I held my 9 lb, 2 oz girl for the first time. She was all mine, and it was so hard to believe that the hubster and I could create such a miracle. 

I remember those first few days holding my girl like they were yesterday. I spent hours sitting on the couch looking at my baby in utter disbelief. She was real, she was here, and she was mine to raise without any formal classes or credentials required. We learned as we went with her teaching me the biggest and toughest lessons.

Over the past 5 years, Giulietta has taught me so much about being a mother, an educator, and a good person in general. She has allowed me to experience so many firsts for the first time right along with her, challenged my patience and heart time and time again, and allowed me to see the world through a child's eyes. My girl has granted me the best gift anyone could give; unconditional love. From the moment our eyes locked the first time 5 years ago, to the kiss I gave her before she went to bed tonight I know in my heart that my love for her is limitless. 

My Giulietta is beautiful inside and out. Her smile and eyes shine brighter then most with warmth and understanding. She is serious, thoughtful, and observant. Her heart spills over with love, sincerity, and care with all things she encounters. My little lady is intelligent, funny, mesmerizing to look at, and quite simply perfect. I feel blessed to call her my first born, to see her smile every morning, and to hear her call my Mommy.

Happy 5th Birthday GEM! 

I LOVE YOU!

Cutting Off a Piece of Toddlerhood

I'm really not sure what it is about hair, and the cutting of it that gets me all emotional. It grows and grows and grows more, all it takes is time. However, for me, the cutting on ones hair is some sort of milestone, or life changer. And, perhaps I feel this way considering that I've only drastically changed my hairstyle once as a grown up! 

With that being said, you can only imagine how hard it was for me to take Giulietta to the hair salon to get her lovely long locks snipped. Clearly my sweet girl has been overdue for a haircut for sometime, but I just couldn't get myself to make her an appointment and actually drive her there. But, with her Elementary school career starting and the transition of her no longer being a toddler, but now a child, I decided with A LOT of persuading from my Mom and Giulietta that is was time. It was amazing to me to see what a transformation was made that afternoon. My sweet girl walked into Kiddy Kastle with the little glimpses of toddlerhood in her spirit and long hair, and walked out the front door of the salon thirty minutes later with shorter hair and the charisma of a grown child ready to take on her future! 

And, let the hair go is exactly what we did. We measured it, bagged it up, and mailed it off to someone in need of my little ladies beautiful strands. 

A Disney Day

Disneyland, a favorite place for my little ladybugs and I. It is literally a playground of sorts for us spoiled SoCal residents, and I'm sure that my girls don't really understand truly how lucky they are that they have had the opportunity to visit the Happiest Place on Earth almost once a month or more since they were born. Regardless, I intend on spoiling them while I can, and I find the fact that we have the opportunity to "run around" Disneyland whenever we want as a guilty pleasure. No trip is ever the same, and so many memories of ours have been paved on the footpaths of the two parks that lie in the heart of the OC.   The joy in the girls eyes, the excitement in their voices, and the laughter heard when we are at the park are priceless!

And, it has recently become clear to my why my parents bought my brother and I Disney Annual Passes year after year, and took us so many afternoons after school when we should have been eating a snack & doing our homework. When you are at Disneyland, you are a kid no matter your age, you can't help but smile and feel the magic wrap around you like a tight hug. You smile, you laugh, you imagine, you let loose, you enjoy, and you embrace the magic of it all.

So, I have made it my goal to try and share this magical place with my girls on a routinely basis. We make it a special morning, day, or evening. And, as Baby Brother's birthdate quickly approaches I'm holding these times near and dear to my heart. I'm taking the "big" camera, trying new things that we haven't before, exploring parts of the park for the first time, and really just taking it slow and listening to my little ladybugs hearts.

It's my hope that as they continue to grow, they continue to feel the magic of the kingdoms and embrace the wonder for Disneyland even more. Because, as Mr. Walt Disney stated,

"Laughter is timeless. Imagination has no age. And dreams are forever!"

Blue is the new Pink!

Before I ever had children I was told by the Hubster's family that I would only have boys! So, I always found my eyes wandering to Mom's of boys, especially those of three boys, because after all we always wanted three! I was okay with it, not thrilled, but definitely okay! Boys are different, boys are fun, boys have so much energy!

But...as we all know I had two beautiful girls, and boy were they a welcomed surprise! For 5 years now all I've lived & breathed & eyed & sewed are PINK! Pink paint, Pink clothes, Pink shoes, Pink toys, Pink everything! PINK, PINK, PINK!!

So, now that I'm having a little boy, Blue sounds so foreign! I see it in emails, I hear my friends talking about it, and I buy clothes with the color in it. Yet, I feel so confused at times, because after all Pink has been my life! As each day passes, and as Baby Boys kicks become harder and more frequent, the idea that I'm having a SON is becoming so real & so exciting! At this point, the nesting has kicked in & I can't stop looking at clothes for him, thinking about how I want his room to look, and dreaming about holding him while I rock him to sleep in his nursery!



Momma at 20 weeks Pregnant!


Baby BOY Morad at 20 weeks! The hand is pointing to his goods!


Baby Boy with his hands in his face, just like his big sisters!


One has to really use their imagination for this picture. It is a view of Baby Boys bottom with his legs spread real wide. The little guys goods are in the middle & of course he is touching them already!


And this....is my FAVORITE! The sweet profile of my sweet boy! I just can't wait to kiss his little nose!

Race Cars, Skinned Knees, & Blue Jeans

I'll never forget walking out of the ultrasound office, 13 weeks pregnant for the first time in utter disbelief, because the tech had told the hubster and I we were having a girl! I'm sure my smile was spread foolishly across my face as I beamed up at the hubster and heard him say, "So that means pink, princesses, castles, and barbies huh?" As I was dreaming about frilly dresses, cute hair, and shoes (lots & lots of shoes), I'm sure he was wondering exactly what he would do with the little lady inside of me.

I'm not talking about how he would hold her all snuggled up on his chest, feed her every middle of the night feeding while I pumped her milk,  or snuggle with her in bed every morning when I left for work. Those things all came natural to him, to both of us really! I'm referring to how he would color with her, how he would teach her about his favorite things (cars to be exact), how he would learn the name of every Disney Princess and words to their songs, how he would dance because she wants to dance and he knows she won't forever, and he tucks her into bed at night and gets her light just right! But, you know, he figured it out! Call it father's intuition, mad daddy skills, or whatever you please, my hubster has this girl thing down. He's a professional Princess pamperer and it makes my heart smile on a daily basis to see the twinkle in his eyes when our girls call him Daddy and ask him to be their Knight in Shining Armor!

And, now with the new addition to our family of four, I feel very much the way the hubster must have felt leaving that ultrasound office that day. Truth be told, I've dreamed of having a son. What pregnant woman hasn't? I've wondered what it would be like to change his diapers, to watch him run and be truly wild, to step on those small tiny legos in the middle of the night and hold in a curse or two, to spike his hair and dress him in little Van's tennies just like his Daddy, to watch him peek his head out from under his car with grease smeared on his face,  to sit on the sidelines of sports games yelling with encouragement while holding in my worst fears, and to dance with him one last time on his wedding day. Most of all, I've dreamed of watching the hubster with his boy, the one who will pass the family name on, the one who will get his hands covered in grease, the one that will bring a different type of twinkle to our eyes!

As different and new having a boy seems to this lady, who thought she had this being a Momma thing figured out, my heart and arms are opened wide with love for my little Prince!  I truly can't wait to the moment I  meet him for the first time, while I watch the tears of sweet joy stream down my hubsters face!

Her First Day of the Rest of Her Life

There are moments in my one wild and crazy life that make me realize everything is moving way too fast, that make me pull out the camera and snap 500 photos because I know this is "the moment," and that make my eyes brim with tears at how bittersweet it all seems!

Last Tuesday was one of those days! My little Presley started Preschool!

We'd been preparing! Driving by and waving, talking about how much fun she would have, and what she would be doing. We even spent a few hours in her new classroom getting acclimated with her new environment. A new Yo Gabba Gabba lunch tote was made, the perfect outfit was picked out, and excitement was in the air.

But, I couldn't help but feel sad. And, when I say sad, I really mean SAD! My heart HURT! I know I've done this before, and for most this probably doesn't make sense that I would feel this way. Trust me, watching Giulietta walk away her first day of preschool was no walk in the park, but my girls are different. And, even though Giulietta was 6 months younger then Presley on her first day, Giulietta just seemed so much more confident, independent, and sure! Giulietta came out of my body that way, and she probably will always carry those characteristics with her, which somehow makes the firsts so much easier!

My girl...my buddy...my little koala...my feisty character is different!

We snapped these shots on the porch, loaded the car and headed to school. I tried my hardest to show excitement and hold it together, but I was truly a mess. The hubster held my hand tight on the drive there and assured me our girl would do wonderful. I thought in my head, "Ya, I know she'll do great, I expect nothing less from our girls! But, will she miss me? Will she cry? Will she be happy? Will she need me?"

The car was parked, girls unloaded, a few more shots taken, Giulietta dropped off at her classroom and the short walk to the door that Presley would open to the first day of the rest of her life was taken. I hurried her in, held onto her tightly with tears streaming down my checks, and told her I loved her, to have a great day and that I would be back in a short while. I waved at the teacher, and SPLIT! With a heavy heart, eyes full of tears, and the strong desire to run back and snatch my baby back into my arms I walked to the car.

The hubster & I sat there FREE! We should be dancing, throwing a party, enjoying our time, right?

Nope! I was heartbroken! I couldn't talk about anything else but my girl! I wanted to know how she was doing right that minute! The drive home was torture, and to be quite frank, the entire first hour of uncertainty felt like each minute took forever to tick by. But, finally I received a text & picture of my girl by the awesome director of her preschool. She was sitting, she was smiling, and she didn't need me after all! I smiled, my heart swelled, and I knew the first day of the rest of her life was perfect!



Tears were never shed on Presley's first day.
There were some on her second.
On her third day, she threw her lunch in the bucket, knocked on her classroom door, gave me a kiss and walked in her classroom like she owned the place without even looking back.

It's bittersweet! You know, your children growing! It happens daily, but it's not until moments like these when you realize that its only been a mere blink of an eye and they have transformed into the little people they are, the little people that you have dreamt of them becoming!

I found this quote today, and it seems to sum this growing thing all up for me!

“Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them - a mother's approval, a father's nod - are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.” -Mitch Albom

What does it say to you? 

Two...that magical number!

My Dearest Sweat Pea,

Two!! It’s a magical number to me for some reason. I know so many people say that the first birthday is the most important, that is marks some significant milestone in life, but for me it is the 2^nd birthday that makes me hold back the tears of bittersweetness.

And, that is exactly what I did as I sang Happy Birthday to you my darling Presley this past weekend. As the words were coming out of my mouth, and my hand was tightly gripped by yours, I looked around the lovingly filled room with so many of our dearest family and friends all sardined in and realized that we made, you made it, and most importantly, I made it.

The party, the day, the moment that I had been working so hard towards since you turned one, was absolutely PERFECT. The room popped with vibrant colors as Yo Gabba Gabba music could be heard in the background. Your spirit was in full Presley swing as you roamed between ball pit, play set, trampoline, and your Nani. Your independence and charisma were more then obvious as I watched you soak up everyone who came to celebrate you.

The enormous cake, the detailed decorations, the cardboard character cutouts were all fun and amazing, but truthfully unnecessary. You see, the only thing required for this party was YOU. The only thing that completed the party was YOU!

And, now that I sit here with tears brimming my eyes it has becoming crystal clear what I have been battling to overcome all year, what I have been searching to find since the moment I lost it, what I have been so blind to see until this moment. And…that’s YOU my little love!

You are my missing puzzle piece!

Sure, there is no denying that you were once a twin, that my pain from loss and longing will burn from time to time, or that one day you might feel it too. But, today, right now, at this very second the intense burning of pain, the red colored anger, and the fluttering feelings of fear that I have been carrying around with me for so long have been released, just like the balloon that accidentally got away at your party.

For today, for right now, at this very second I no longer look past you and think about what is missing,, rather I look right into your eyes and know that YOU complete me! You complete US! And, because of that…

My Heart is Whole Again!

Love You My Darling Presley More then Words can Say!

Momma

Five...Fear...Waiting

This morning as I was hurriedly brushing all the tangles out of Giulietta's hair in the bathroom and trying to make sure that my little monkey girl Presley wasn't jumping off of the counter, Giulietta turned her head up and asked, "Mommy, how many people do you have living in our house?" Without thinking, I quickly responded with, "Four! Why?" She went on to say that she created a family tree at school and when her teacher asked her how many people lived in her home she said five. Again without thinking I quickly responded with, "You know we only have four people honey. We have Mommy, Daddy, Presley, and YOU!" She looked at me, said "Yes!", and us girls quickly went along our way without any further discussion of the make up of our family or living situation. I grabbed the keys, the kids, and the essentials and headed out the door later then we have been in a LONG time.

With Fall sorta upon us in California, and I say sorta because today we are expecting another 90 degree heat wave, the morning snuggles in Mommy & Daddy's bed have been amazing, and this morning I just wasn't quite ready to give it up. Hence, the big one was 30 minutes late for school, and I just kinda didn't care. We were making our own special memories at home this morning, and that was important to me. Soaking up the littleness that surrounds me, their giggles, and their want and need to be close to me is way more important these days then getting somewhere on time. My motto has become...

"It can wait, life is happening right here with them, with me, with us. When I blink they'll grow, they'll change, they'll walk their own path!"

After dropping G off at school and having to walk back to the car twice in order to get her lunch & then her share item, I placed my head against my headrest, engulfed a big breath, and took a minute to rehash the morning. As a smile slowly creeped up my lips while I thought about my girls sandwiched between their Daddy-O and I, something in the back of my mind abruptly shook my happy moment right off my face and out of my heart. Just one word replayed over and over and over again in my head. "Five! Five! Five!" Suddenly it occurred to me...we should have 5 people! The girls should have another sibling to dance around the house with, to walk down the street with, to wrestle and pull hair with. But, they don't, we don't, I don't!

And...if I  sat here and said it was okay, I'd be lying. Truth be told it really isn't, and it probably never will be. However, it is life, it is the path I walk, and it is the one that I embrace. There are times that hurt worse then others, like today for example, but for the most part my heart still smiles at all the beauty that surrounds me, at my little ladies that I do have, at my amazing family & friends who support me no matter how crazy I may be at times.

Once my happy thoughts began filling the empty void I was left reeling with after the mention of "five," my mind began to wander deeper.  I started thinking about when the Morad Four would become a five. Everyone knows that the hubster and I have always planned on having three kids, and sometimes the idea or four gets tossed around every now and then. And, it seems as the months quickly tick by and Presley approaches 2 the questioning of when from family, friends, and even strangers is increasing more and more. I usually brush it aside with the fact that I'm still trying to get to my "goal weight" or that I'm still working at becoming more emotionally equipped after the loss of Presley's twin. As true as those two reasons might be, they aren't the only reasons nor are they the real reason why I am waiting for baby 3. I am afraid!

Afraid for the first ultrasound.
Afraid to enter the same room that represents so much hurt.
Afraid of what might be unveiled.
Afraid to walk down a path that I've worked so hard to get off of.

Acknowledging my fear, admitting the truth, and facing it make me feel like I'm somehow weak. That the strong Katie, or the facade rather that I have always put in place when everyone is around, is no longer present. But, right now, I'm really okay with being a little weak, a little vulnerable. Being weak only means that I'm feeling, living, and staying in touch with the me I've been working so hard to become.

Will I let my fear change my mind, scare me away from doing something I've always wanted to do, or navigate me down a different life path? Absolutely NOT! My fear will only propel me to overcome, learn, and grow. There will be a Morad Five! Definitely not today, tomorrow, or in the next nine months. But, when the time is right.

For now...I'm loving The Morad's being a Four!