A Disney Day

Disneyland, a favorite place for my little ladybugs and I. It is literally a playground of sorts for us spoiled SoCal residents, and I'm sure that my girls don't really understand truly how lucky they are that they have had the opportunity to visit the Happiest Place on Earth almost once a month or more since they were born. Regardless, I intend on spoiling them while I can, and I find the fact that we have the opportunity to "run around" Disneyland whenever we want as a guilty pleasure. No trip is ever the same, and so many memories of ours have been paved on the footpaths of the two parks that lie in the heart of the OC.   The joy in the girls eyes, the excitement in their voices, and the laughter heard when we are at the park are priceless!

And, it has recently become clear to my why my parents bought my brother and I Disney Annual Passes year after year, and took us so many afternoons after school when we should have been eating a snack & doing our homework. When you are at Disneyland, you are a kid no matter your age, you can't help but smile and feel the magic wrap around you like a tight hug. You smile, you laugh, you imagine, you let loose, you enjoy, and you embrace the magic of it all.

So, I have made it my goal to try and share this magical place with my girls on a routinely basis. We make it a special morning, day, or evening. And, as Baby Brother's birthdate quickly approaches I'm holding these times near and dear to my heart. I'm taking the "big" camera, trying new things that we haven't before, exploring parts of the park for the first time, and really just taking it slow and listening to my little ladybugs hearts.

It's my hope that as they continue to grow, they continue to feel the magic of the kingdoms and embrace the wonder for Disneyland even more. Because, as Mr. Walt Disney stated,

"Laughter is timeless. Imagination has no age. And dreams are forever!"

Adding Another Branch to the Morad Family Tree

Last week when I was visiting Presley's Classroom for the Mother's Day Tea, I turned my head and saw this little gem proudly displayed up on her classroom wall. Instantly my eyes were drawn to the picture in the middle that I absolutely adore & credit to my AMAZING photographer friend Molly Marie Williams ! Then, my eyes continued to sweep the picture reading everyones name, until it came to Baby Brother. Instantly my eyes teared up and my heart was filled with this unexplainable joy!

It may sound strange to some, when I say that looking at this family tree which Presley made at school suddenly made it all seem real! Yes, I've had countless numbers of ultrasounds! Yes, I feel Baby Brother kick daily! Yes, I've pinned & pinned, dreamed & dreamed, and shopped & shopped for this little guy inside of me! However, it just wasn't made REAL until the moment I saw this picture, saw his name, and remembered that even though I couldn't see him physically in it, he was in fact in my belly at the time the picture was taken!

Our family tree of four branches has already been added to five, and I can't wait for the minute that I see my little princes face, hear his cry, and hold him for the first time!

Race Cars, Skinned Knees, & Blue Jeans

I'll never forget walking out of the ultrasound office, 13 weeks pregnant for the first time in utter disbelief, because the tech had told the hubster and I we were having a girl! I'm sure my smile was spread foolishly across my face as I beamed up at the hubster and heard him say, "So that means pink, princesses, castles, and barbies huh?" As I was dreaming about frilly dresses, cute hair, and shoes (lots & lots of shoes), I'm sure he was wondering exactly what he would do with the little lady inside of me.

I'm not talking about how he would hold her all snuggled up on his chest, feed her every middle of the night feeding while I pumped her milk,  or snuggle with her in bed every morning when I left for work. Those things all came natural to him, to both of us really! I'm referring to how he would color with her, how he would teach her about his favorite things (cars to be exact), how he would learn the name of every Disney Princess and words to their songs, how he would dance because she wants to dance and he knows she won't forever, and he tucks her into bed at night and gets her light just right! But, you know, he figured it out! Call it father's intuition, mad daddy skills, or whatever you please, my hubster has this girl thing down. He's a professional Princess pamperer and it makes my heart smile on a daily basis to see the twinkle in his eyes when our girls call him Daddy and ask him to be their Knight in Shining Armor!

And, now with the new addition to our family of four, I feel very much the way the hubster must have felt leaving that ultrasound office that day. Truth be told, I've dreamed of having a son. What pregnant woman hasn't? I've wondered what it would be like to change his diapers, to watch him run and be truly wild, to step on those small tiny legos in the middle of the night and hold in a curse or two, to spike his hair and dress him in little Van's tennies just like his Daddy, to watch him peek his head out from under his car with grease smeared on his face,  to sit on the sidelines of sports games yelling with encouragement while holding in my worst fears, and to dance with him one last time on his wedding day. Most of all, I've dreamed of watching the hubster with his boy, the one who will pass the family name on, the one who will get his hands covered in grease, the one that will bring a different type of twinkle to our eyes!

As different and new having a boy seems to this lady, who thought she had this being a Momma thing figured out, my heart and arms are opened wide with love for my little Prince!  I truly can't wait to the moment I  meet him for the first time, while I watch the tears of sweet joy stream down my hubsters face!

Baby Morad #3 is...

Love,

 The Morad Four (soon to be Five)

Two...that magical number!

My Dearest Sweat Pea,

Two!! It’s a magical number to me for some reason. I know so many people say that the first birthday is the most important, that is marks some significant milestone in life, but for me it is the 2^nd birthday that makes me hold back the tears of bittersweetness.

And, that is exactly what I did as I sang Happy Birthday to you my darling Presley this past weekend. As the words were coming out of my mouth, and my hand was tightly gripped by yours, I looked around the lovingly filled room with so many of our dearest family and friends all sardined in and realized that we made, you made it, and most importantly, I made it.

The party, the day, the moment that I had been working so hard towards since you turned one, was absolutely PERFECT. The room popped with vibrant colors as Yo Gabba Gabba music could be heard in the background. Your spirit was in full Presley swing as you roamed between ball pit, play set, trampoline, and your Nani. Your independence and charisma were more then obvious as I watched you soak up everyone who came to celebrate you.

The enormous cake, the detailed decorations, the cardboard character cutouts were all fun and amazing, but truthfully unnecessary. You see, the only thing required for this party was YOU. The only thing that completed the party was YOU!

And, now that I sit here with tears brimming my eyes it has becoming crystal clear what I have been battling to overcome all year, what I have been searching to find since the moment I lost it, what I have been so blind to see until this moment. And…that’s YOU my little love!

You are my missing puzzle piece!

Sure, there is no denying that you were once a twin, that my pain from loss and longing will burn from time to time, or that one day you might feel it too. But, today, right now, at this very second the intense burning of pain, the red colored anger, and the fluttering feelings of fear that I have been carrying around with me for so long have been released, just like the balloon that accidentally got away at your party.

For today, for right now, at this very second I no longer look past you and think about what is missing,, rather I look right into your eyes and know that YOU complete me! You complete US! And, because of that…

My Heart is Whole Again!

Love You My Darling Presley More then Words can Say!

Momma

Happy Halloween from our Family to Yours

There really is so much I should share...but, for now I'm enjoying today! 

I'm rolling in the excitement of Disney costumes, neighborhood/family pizza parties, and trick-or-treating candies!

Happy Halloween from The Morad Four to you & yours!!

Five...Fear...Waiting

This morning as I was hurriedly brushing all the tangles out of Giulietta's hair in the bathroom and trying to make sure that my little monkey girl Presley wasn't jumping off of the counter, Giulietta turned her head up and asked, "Mommy, how many people do you have living in our house?" Without thinking, I quickly responded with, "Four! Why?" She went on to say that she created a family tree at school and when her teacher asked her how many people lived in her home she said five. Again without thinking I quickly responded with, "You know we only have four people honey. We have Mommy, Daddy, Presley, and YOU!" She looked at me, said "Yes!", and us girls quickly went along our way without any further discussion of the make up of our family or living situation. I grabbed the keys, the kids, and the essentials and headed out the door later then we have been in a LONG time.

With Fall sorta upon us in California, and I say sorta because today we are expecting another 90 degree heat wave, the morning snuggles in Mommy & Daddy's bed have been amazing, and this morning I just wasn't quite ready to give it up. Hence, the big one was 30 minutes late for school, and I just kinda didn't care. We were making our own special memories at home this morning, and that was important to me. Soaking up the littleness that surrounds me, their giggles, and their want and need to be close to me is way more important these days then getting somewhere on time. My motto has become...

"It can wait, life is happening right here with them, with me, with us. When I blink they'll grow, they'll change, they'll walk their own path!"

After dropping G off at school and having to walk back to the car twice in order to get her lunch & then her share item, I placed my head against my headrest, engulfed a big breath, and took a minute to rehash the morning. As a smile slowly creeped up my lips while I thought about my girls sandwiched between their Daddy-O and I, something in the back of my mind abruptly shook my happy moment right off my face and out of my heart. Just one word replayed over and over and over again in my head. "Five! Five! Five!" Suddenly it occurred to me...we should have 5 people! The girls should have another sibling to dance around the house with, to walk down the street with, to wrestle and pull hair with. But, they don't, we don't, I don't!

And...if I  sat here and said it was okay, I'd be lying. Truth be told it really isn't, and it probably never will be. However, it is life, it is the path I walk, and it is the one that I embrace. There are times that hurt worse then others, like today for example, but for the most part my heart still smiles at all the beauty that surrounds me, at my little ladies that I do have, at my amazing family & friends who support me no matter how crazy I may be at times.

Once my happy thoughts began filling the empty void I was left reeling with after the mention of "five," my mind began to wander deeper.  I started thinking about when the Morad Four would become a five. Everyone knows that the hubster and I have always planned on having three kids, and sometimes the idea or four gets tossed around every now and then. And, it seems as the months quickly tick by and Presley approaches 2 the questioning of when from family, friends, and even strangers is increasing more and more. I usually brush it aside with the fact that I'm still trying to get to my "goal weight" or that I'm still working at becoming more emotionally equipped after the loss of Presley's twin. As true as those two reasons might be, they aren't the only reasons nor are they the real reason why I am waiting for baby 3. I am afraid!

Afraid for the first ultrasound.
Afraid to enter the same room that represents so much hurt.
Afraid of what might be unveiled.
Afraid to walk down a path that I've worked so hard to get off of.

Acknowledging my fear, admitting the truth, and facing it make me feel like I'm somehow weak. That the strong Katie, or the facade rather that I have always put in place when everyone is around, is no longer present. But, right now, I'm really okay with being a little weak, a little vulnerable. Being weak only means that I'm feeling, living, and staying in touch with the me I've been working so hard to become.

Will I let my fear change my mind, scare me away from doing something I've always wanted to do, or navigate me down a different life path? Absolutely NOT! My fear will only propel me to overcome, learn, and grow. There will be a Morad Five! Definitely not today, tomorrow, or in the next nine months. But, when the time is right.

For now...I'm loving The Morad's being a Four!

Enjoy Today Momma

Tonight I'm tired. I'm not going to lie, it was a crazy busy day...well week actually. I push these little ladies hard, sometimes too hard. Today we took a quick trip to Costco for some essentials, had swimming lessons for the fourth day this week, and then spent an afternoon at Disneyland.

What had been a pretty amazing day ended in this Momma storming off a ride, throwing some bright yellow 3D glasses on the ground, chewing out a young ride operator, and sitting next to my teary eyed almost 4 year old who refused to just try something new for no apparent reason! I've been flustered and quite frankly pissed for a few hours now about our little snafu this afternoon, (and also the fact that it took me over 45 minutes, instead of 15, to get home tonight since I was too busy rehashing the Disney drama to notice the correct turn off on the freeway), until I came across this lovely quote:


You will never have this day with your children again.
Tomorrow, they will be a little older then they were today.
This day is a gift, breathe and notice, smell and touch them;
study their face and little feet and pay attention.
RELISH THE CHARMS of THE PRESENT.
Enjoy today Momma, it will be over before you know it!
                           -Jen Hatmaker

As I read this tonight, after I quickly snuggled both girls into bed, it became clear to me that sometimes I don't just sit back and observe. Instead, I try to create fun for these girls, make lasting memories, and hurry their growth along because well that is what a good Momma would do. In fact, what it appears I'm missing is the little happenings that are taking place right under my nose as I'm too busy trying to figure out when and where the next memory should be made.

From now on, I'm going to try each day to find those small things and enjoy them, to listen to the quiet moments and relish in them, and to watch memories write themselves on the pages of our books. Because, I've been reminded of the importance of being with them, and the importance of catching a glimpse of something small but significant, the importance of all this. So, please excuse me now as I go give my girls on more kiss, and soak up their sleeping beauty in the quiet of our home.

A Mother's Letter

Let me just start this post with...if you don't have a box of Kleenex nearby, then go get them because you'll be sorry if you don't! What I have written below is a letter to Presley. You see, Presley was a twin, and the 1/2 of the whole who we have gotten to hold.  There are really so many details and feelings that I will share later, but for the purpose of the letter and this post all you really need to know, and understand is that I have grown...we have grown...and our life couldn't be more full of love!

My Dearest Presley-

It’s been 21 months since I first looked into your beautiful blue eyes and felt your tiny little fingers wrapped around my big ones. In that small amount of time you have blessed my life, our families lives, time and time again with your mischievous smile, dancing pitter-patter, and uniquely wild charisma. You make me laugh, you make me smile, and you make me want to hold you closer and tighter each day.

You see, you were one of two. Some may view you as the lucky one, the special one, or even the stronger one, but I simply see you as the only one. The one that was meant to be.

The one that never leaves a moment dull.

The one that I want to never let go, for fear of someday losing.

The one that will forever give me a run for my money.

Sometimes when you sleep, I stand over you and think about how I want to just scoop you up and hold you to me. I hold your little fingers and think about how much of this world you have yet to touch. I push the tiny hairs off your forehead and ponder what you will grow up to be like. And, I place my hand on your heart and feel the swift beats thinking how I’ll have to one day explain to you what you are missing, what we are missing. The special bond of a twin!

On these nights, tears most likely end up filling my eyes and my heart can’t help but hurt because of the thought that one day you may possibly feel a loss over not ever knowing your twin. There’s no way to know how you might feel, what you might say, or how you might act when I choose to explain to you that you once shared the same special space inside me with another. But if you do hurt, I want you to know that you can always come to me, we can always talk, and you will forever carry a piece of your twin with you.

Tonight I sat in a room with “moms of multiples,” and at first I felt sad and uncomfortable because that is what I should have been. But, I quickly redirected my feelings and thought that even though I am not raising twins, it doesn’t mean I am not a Mom of multiples. Sure, I have not felt many of their pains and joys of having two at the same time, but I have felt the pain and loss of not having two. Truth be told, I was, I am, and I forever will be a mom of twins. And, it is things like that, that make it easier for me to be okay with the fact that your brother or sister is not laying next to you in your crib at night.

Oh my little Sweet Pea…I’m sorry!

Sorry that your twin didn’t make it!

Sorry that I hold you so close for fear of losing you too!

Sorry that I was so blind to my depression the first year of your life.

Sorry that I can’t change the past!

Sorry that you forever be deemed special!

Sorry that the loss I feel may someday be felt by you.

I want you to understand that I try not to look or think about what I may be missing anymore. Instead, I look at what I have, you and your sister, my two beautiful girls. I think about how precious you both are, and how truly blessed your Daddy and I are to call you our daughters. I want to tell you that I am no longer angry for what I don’t have, but instead thankful each day for the fact that your daddy and I are your parents, the ones who get to guide you down your path hand in hand until one day we slowly let go and watch you find your way. Sure, so days I am reminded, so days I feel the loss more then others, and some days I am sad. But, for the most part, the hole that once left my heart wounded has now been filled with love. Your love to be exact…the love that you helped me find in my moment of need.

Presley Ella, you are…

SO PERFECT!

SO ANIMATED!

SO FULL OF LIFE!

SO CHARISMATIC!

SO UNIQUE!

SO CUTE!

SO SMALL!

SO KOALA LIKE!

SO YOU!

No matter where life takes you, I will always be your number one supporter, your right hand man, and your personal cheerleader. Because, you were once mine, even thought you didn’t know it. You helped me more then anyone through my rough patch. You loved me unconditionally, listened to me when I needed to talk, and held my hand when my heart hurt so bad that tears couldn’t even fall. You were my life preserver that grabbed me before I sank, and helped me float with my head above water. You opened my eyes again, and helped me see what I had, not what I was missing!

I love you Presley Ella! Always have, and always will! You are mine, and I am yours!

-Your Loving Momma

Sweet Dreams Baby Girl

Tuesday night as I was putting my big girl to bed I stopped and hugged her. I know that sounds weird, because come on, I hug her all day long, but what I mean is that I REALLY hugged her. I held her close to my heart, felt her hair brush my check, and smelt her sweet perfume of little girl sweat mixed with bath soap. And, she held on to me the same way she did when she was a wee one, not that long ago.

As we were embraced in this beautiful moment I whispered in her ear that she would always be my baby,  that I loved her more then she knew, and that I never wanted her to grow up.  Once again the tightness began to constrict my throat and I could feel those salty tears pricking from the corners of my eyes. This time I blinked those glistening gems back with a big smile for the sake of not having to explain to my innocent 3 year old how some tears are happy, some are sad, and others are a mix of bittersweet emotions.

When we finally pulled away, my sweet baby girl lifted her bright blue eyes to mine with tears outlining her tan little cheeks. I waited a minute or two and then gently questioned why she was crying. Giulietta shook her head swiftly and stated, "I'm not crying!" Maybe her adamant denial was due to fear of embarrassment, or simply because she didn't realize or understand quite why she was crying. However, I took her soft pink cheeks in between my palms and wiped away her little river while explaining to her that they were happy tears, not sad.

She lunged forward into one more warm embrace, and my heart smiled. My sweet baby turned little girl felt exactly the same thing I did at the very same moment...unconditional love, mixed emotions about growing up, and simplistic beauty.

The First Day of Her Last Year

It was almost four years ago that I welcomed my sweet Giulietta into this beautiful place we call home. At the time, I never knew how much one little person could change my world, my being, my everything. With each passing month, milestone, and year my girls growth has been a breathtaking experience to witness. There has been many moments when I felt my heartstrings pull a little extra tighter because the growing, the changing, and the new were so captivating. Some of these moments have been big milestones, where every Momma sheds a tear, while others have been what one might consider insignificant, but I on the other hand deem HUGE.

No matter the type of moment, I always get that tightening in the back of my throat as my tear ducts begin to swell and propel my emotions forward. Sometimes I try to hold them back in order to keep composure, to appear that I am that Momma who has it together when in fact we all know that I don't. I'm not sure why I do this; I have no shame! I am proud to be deemed the emotional roller-coaster type who is comfortable letting people know how I feel. And, I find it important that my girls see how much their achievements make not only my lips smile & my eyes puddle with tears, but my heart too.

Tuesday was a big day for me, for Giulietta, for all of us. Tuesday was not only a move up to a different classroom and different teacher, but it was also the First Day of her Last Year of Preschool. (Many of you may wonder what the heck I'm talking about since she is only three, but that is a story for a much later date.) I had been thinking about this day, this HUGE milestone for weeks ,and mentally preparing to make it special and perfect.

My girl needed a new outfit, a special breakfast, a new lunch tote, her hair all done up, and of course a mini photo shoot on our porch.




















The night before Giulietta's BIG debut in Room 4, I laid her outfit out, sewed her up a new Hello Kitty lunch tote, painstakingly rolled up some homemade mini cinnamon rolls for her to enjoy for breakfast the following morning, and thoughtfully put together a well balanced lunch for her first day. Then, I tried to sleep through the first day of school jitters I felt for my baby. The morning was perfect! Giulietta enjoyed breakfast, dressed excitedly in her new clothes, jumped for joy when I showed her the new lunch tote I had made the day before, sat patiently while I tried to make her hair look perfect, and practically ran out of the door when I gave the go ahead.

We took a few minutes to get those iconic shots of her on our porch, which now that I look at, our spacious porch somehow looks so small with my Big girl standing on it this year. I loaded everyone in the car, and we were off to Room 4, to the heartstring tug-a-war, to the growing and learning! And, all the while I kept thinking about how quickly all this had come...the first, the first of the last, and then later this year-the last!

With tears brimming my eyes and blurring my vision I watched my baby turned little girl skip up to the front gate of her school, excitedly find her name tag, pull the handle of her new classroom door and walk off to enjoy The First Day of Her Last Year of Preschool without ever looking back

Well...maybe only once when I called her name!

How We Began...5 Plus Years Ago

It was a warm September afternoon, I had just hung my band uniform up in the bus window, stowed my clarinet on the stained floor under my feet, and turned around in my seat to talk to my friend Sara about something, nothing, anything. I was fifteen, overly confident, and in love with socializing. As I opened my mouth to blab about my days happenings, I was struck by a pair of beautiful bright blue eyes staring me in the face from two benches behind.

"He's cute!" I whispered to Sara.
"Who, Ryan?" she replied.
"Yes!" I thought out loud.

The cute boy Ryan with the bright blue eyes and spiky brown hair quickly became my obsession. I took a special interest in his doings, arranged my seating on the bus so I could be near him, and began to try to spark conversations with him. Much to my disappointment, he was often times too shy to respond and too quiet to understand what the mumbles coming out of his mouth were. Nevertheless I persevered, gained his AIM (I know I'm aging us here), and began to build a friendship which quickly turned into a relationship.

My interests soon became Ryan's interests, and Ryan's interests soon became my interests. We spent countless hours talking over the internet, going to Disneyland with our friends, writing each other notes to give the other one during passing period, and working on Volkswagons into the wee hours of the morning. We were "the couple!" The ones who were in love, the ones who never broke up, and the ones who had what all our other friends were searching for. We graduated, went to our respective colleges, started careers, and continued to grow together.















On June 29, 2007, FIVE years from this very day, I married my best friend while many of our wonderful family and friends looked on with love in their hearts! It was our perfect day where two lives became one. We shared so much of us (VW's & Elvis to name a few) with those around us, while making it clear that our union was not only the two of us coming together, but our two families and groups of friends as well. The boy with the beautiful bright blue eyes and spiky hair became my husband, my lover, my eternity. And, as my Maid of Honor Samantha told all my loved ones on my wedding day, MY ROCK!

























You see, Ryan is not the type of Rock you pick up and skip through the waves, or the one that you kick around on a gravel driveway, or even the one that many people carry around to rub when they are worried. My hubster is the type of Rock that you hold close to you, perhaps one that you put way up on a shelf to ooh and ahh over because of the gems held deep inside of it. Over the last 5 years My Rock has tirelessly supported every endeavor I have dreamed of, unconditionally loved me no matter how much kabooming I have done, joyfully with tears of happiness welcomed both our beautiful daughters into our family, selflessly given up so much of himself to give so much more to us, and admirably maintained a piece of the bright blue eyed boy I fell in love with 13 years ago on a band bus.

We've been through some pretty amazing times together, as well as some pretty difficult ones. As all relationships, we have definitely faced our fair share of ups and downs, but through it all we have grown together. Our two lives have truly become one more then I had ever imagined possible. I can't think of a Ryan without a Katie or a Katie without a Ryan, because it just wouldn't work! We are a unity, a team, a family, and a bond that can't be broken.

As the years continue to quickly breeze by and we continue to make our way down the path of life, I feel so very blessed that I get to spend it hand in hand with my best friend, my hubster, my rock.

Here's to 5...10...15...20...25...30 plus more years Baby! Let's make them count!

I love you with all my heart!