I'm sitting here at my sewing table, my arms are wrapped tightly around my third baby, I'm listening to Taylor Swifts song "Never Grow Up," and tears are streaming down my cheeks. It's not the song, or her voice, or necessarily the words that have moved me tonight. Instead, it's the fact that my first born is growing up, well hell lets be honest here, all three of my littles are growing up. But, it seems that Giulietta is growing up the fastest. And, maybe it's because she is my first born, or the fact that she is too tall and smart for her age, or perhaps because she is the one who does all the "firsts" first. Regardless of what it is, time ultimately feels like it is slipping right through my fat fingers just like sand, and the baby girl that I held so tightly in my arms not that long ago has turned into a "big girl" in just a blink of an eye.
Throughout the last 4 years & 10 months there have been numerous milestones that have provided moments of bittersweet growing. For example, the first time she smiled, or when she took her first steps, or when her first word came across her pink little lips. And her growth was seen even more so when she started preschool, learned how to write her name, and when she welcomed both her younger sister & brother into our home. But, all these events are nothing compared to what we will all experience & witness tomorrow. You see, tomorrow my sweet GEM starts Kindergarten.
As an educator, I've been looking forward to this moment for a long time, well really since she was born. I've dreamed about what it would be like to drop her off at school, pick her up, and hear all about what she learned. I've thought about how fun it would be to work in her classroom, and possibly be a room mom. However, at this very moment, I just want to turn back time and hold my little baby in my arms again. I want a few more years, days, even hours of her not quite school age innocence back. That may be unfair of me to say, or ask, but my heart is breaking while it smiles, and to be quite honest it's really uncomfortable and quite hard to do.
I'm a wreck. Hell, I left a basket full of stuff at Target today, because I was so overwhelmed with emotions while back to school shopping, and I couldn't keep it together. I am worried about crazy mom like things such as whether or not she will be able to open all the baggies and wrappers that her lunch is in, or if she will be sitting by herself on the playground since her BFF's aren't attending her new school. The minute anyone mentions Kindergarten, or my mind thinks about the moment I will kiss my little lady goodbye and walk out to my car tomorrow, tears well in my eyes and I can't stop them from coming. And, as the lump in my throat, that I've been holding back for months, tries harder and harder to make itself known, I smile bigger and bigger when Giulietta is around. I may have a bit of anxiety about my baby girls growing up and moving on, but I certainly don't want to project that on her. So, tonight when she told me she was nervous about "Big Girl" school tomorrow, I simply smiled and told her she would do great! I know my baby girl is ready, as much as my heart may not be. And, as nervous and anxious as I am about her transition and growth from Preschool to "Big Girl" school, I'm really excited for my daughter too.
Giulietta's school supplies are all nestled in a bag by the door, her teachers gifts are done & ready to be handed off, her lunch is packed and waiting in the fridge, her backpack is filled with two new Tiger folders that she meticulously picked out today at Target, her new dress I made her for her first day of Kindergarten is hanging next to her bed, her "tinkle toes" tennies that Nana bought her a week or so ago are lying on the floor ready to be filled with running feet, and her special pancake breakfast muffin mix is sitting in the fridge all ready to be cooked and eaten tomorrow morning. Tomorrow will be a busy and exciting day full of newness, growth, and learning. And, I can't wait to see my sweet Giulietta stretch her wings and soar to great heights throughout this next year in Kindergarten.
Giulietta's First Birthday
Photo courtesy of my talented friend Molly Marie Williams