Five...Fear...Waiting

This morning as I was hurriedly brushing all the tangles out of Giulietta's hair in the bathroom and trying to make sure that my little monkey girl Presley wasn't jumping off of the counter, Giulietta turned her head up and asked, "Mommy, how many people do you have living in our house?" Without thinking, I quickly responded with, "Four! Why?" She went on to say that she created a family tree at school and when her teacher asked her how many people lived in her home she said five. Again without thinking I quickly responded with, "You know we only have four people honey. We have Mommy, Daddy, Presley, and YOU!" She looked at me, said "Yes!", and us girls quickly went along our way without any further discussion of the make up of our family or living situation. I grabbed the keys, the kids, and the essentials and headed out the door later then we have been in a LONG time.

With Fall sorta upon us in California, and I say sorta because today we are expecting another 90 degree heat wave, the morning snuggles in Mommy & Daddy's bed have been amazing, and this morning I just wasn't quite ready to give it up. Hence, the big one was 30 minutes late for school, and I just kinda didn't care. We were making our own special memories at home this morning, and that was important to me. Soaking up the littleness that surrounds me, their giggles, and their want and need to be close to me is way more important these days then getting somewhere on time. My motto has become...

"It can wait, life is happening right here with them, with me, with us. When I blink they'll grow, they'll change, they'll walk their own path!"

After dropping G off at school and having to walk back to the car twice in order to get her lunch & then her share item, I placed my head against my headrest, engulfed a big breath, and took a minute to rehash the morning. As a smile slowly creeped up my lips while I thought about my girls sandwiched between their Daddy-O and I, something in the back of my mind abruptly shook my happy moment right off my face and out of my heart. Just one word replayed over and over and over again in my head. "Five! Five! Five!" Suddenly it occurred to me...we should have 5 people! The girls should have another sibling to dance around the house with, to walk down the street with, to wrestle and pull hair with. But, they don't, we don't, I don't!

And...if I  sat here and said it was okay, I'd be lying. Truth be told it really isn't, and it probably never will be. However, it is life, it is the path I walk, and it is the one that I embrace. There are times that hurt worse then others, like today for example, but for the most part my heart still smiles at all the beauty that surrounds me, at my little ladies that I do have, at my amazing family & friends who support me no matter how crazy I may be at times.

Once my happy thoughts began filling the empty void I was left reeling with after the mention of "five," my mind began to wander deeper.  I started thinking about when the Morad Four would become a five. Everyone knows that the hubster and I have always planned on having three kids, and sometimes the idea or four gets tossed around every now and then. And, it seems as the months quickly tick by and Presley approaches 2 the questioning of when from family, friends, and even strangers is increasing more and more. I usually brush it aside with the fact that I'm still trying to get to my "goal weight" or that I'm still working at becoming more emotionally equipped after the loss of Presley's twin. As true as those two reasons might be, they aren't the only reasons nor are they the real reason why I am waiting for baby 3. I am afraid!

Afraid for the first ultrasound.
Afraid to enter the same room that represents so much hurt.
Afraid of what might be unveiled.
Afraid to walk down a path that I've worked so hard to get off of.

Acknowledging my fear, admitting the truth, and facing it make me feel like I'm somehow weak. That the strong Katie, or the facade rather that I have always put in place when everyone is around, is no longer present. But, right now, I'm really okay with being a little weak, a little vulnerable. Being weak only means that I'm feeling, living, and staying in touch with the me I've been working so hard to become.

Will I let my fear change my mind, scare me away from doing something I've always wanted to do, or navigate me down a different life path? Absolutely NOT! My fear will only propel me to overcome, learn, and grow. There will be a Morad Five! Definitely not today, tomorrow, or in the next nine months. But, when the time is right.

For now...I'm loving The Morad's being a Four!