A Mother's Letter

Let me just start this post with...if you don't have a box of Kleenex nearby, then go get them because you'll be sorry if you don't! What I have written below is a letter to Presley. You see, Presley was a twin, and the 1/2 of the whole who we have gotten to hold.  There are really so many details and feelings that I will share later, but for the purpose of the letter and this post all you really need to know, and understand is that I have grown...we have grown...and our life couldn't be more full of love!

My Dearest Presley-

It’s been 21 months since I first looked into your beautiful blue eyes and felt your tiny little fingers wrapped around my big ones. In that small amount of time you have blessed my life, our families lives, time and time again with your mischievous smile, dancing pitter-patter, and uniquely wild charisma. You make me laugh, you make me smile, and you make me want to hold you closer and tighter each day.

You see, you were one of two. Some may view you as the lucky one, the special one, or even the stronger one, but I simply see you as the only one. The one that was meant to be.

The one that never leaves a moment dull.

The one that I want to never let go, for fear of someday losing.

The one that will forever give me a run for my money.

Sometimes when you sleep, I stand over you and think about how I want to just scoop you up and hold you to me. I hold your little fingers and think about how much of this world you have yet to touch. I push the tiny hairs off your forehead and ponder what you will grow up to be like. And, I place my hand on your heart and feel the swift beats thinking how I’ll have to one day explain to you what you are missing, what we are missing. The special bond of a twin!

On these nights, tears most likely end up filling my eyes and my heart can’t help but hurt because of the thought that one day you may possibly feel a loss over not ever knowing your twin. There’s no way to know how you might feel, what you might say, or how you might act when I choose to explain to you that you once shared the same special space inside me with another. But if you do hurt, I want you to know that you can always come to me, we can always talk, and you will forever carry a piece of your twin with you.

Tonight I sat in a room with “moms of multiples,” and at first I felt sad and uncomfortable because that is what I should have been. But, I quickly redirected my feelings and thought that even though I am not raising twins, it doesn’t mean I am not a Mom of multiples. Sure, I have not felt many of their pains and joys of having two at the same time, but I have felt the pain and loss of not having two. Truth be told, I was, I am, and I forever will be a mom of twins. And, it is things like that, that make it easier for me to be okay with the fact that your brother or sister is not laying next to you in your crib at night.

Oh my little Sweet Pea…I’m sorry!

Sorry that your twin didn’t make it!

Sorry that I hold you so close for fear of losing you too!

Sorry that I was so blind to my depression the first year of your life.

Sorry that I can’t change the past!

Sorry that you forever be deemed special!

Sorry that the loss I feel may someday be felt by you.

I want you to understand that I try not to look or think about what I may be missing anymore. Instead, I look at what I have, you and your sister, my two beautiful girls. I think about how precious you both are, and how truly blessed your Daddy and I are to call you our daughters. I want to tell you that I am no longer angry for what I don’t have, but instead thankful each day for the fact that your daddy and I are your parents, the ones who get to guide you down your path hand in hand until one day we slowly let go and watch you find your way. Sure, so days I am reminded, so days I feel the loss more then others, and some days I am sad. But, for the most part, the hole that once left my heart wounded has now been filled with love. Your love to be exact…the love that you helped me find in my moment of need.

Presley Ella, you are…

SO PERFECT!

SO ANIMATED!

SO FULL OF LIFE!

SO CHARISMATIC!

SO UNIQUE!

SO CUTE!

SO SMALL!

SO KOALA LIKE!

SO YOU!

No matter where life takes you, I will always be your number one supporter, your right hand man, and your personal cheerleader. Because, you were once mine, even thought you didn’t know it. You helped me more then anyone through my rough patch. You loved me unconditionally, listened to me when I needed to talk, and held my hand when my heart hurt so bad that tears couldn’t even fall. You were my life preserver that grabbed me before I sank, and helped me float with my head above water. You opened my eyes again, and helped me see what I had, not what I was missing!

I love you Presley Ella! Always have, and always will! You are mine, and I am yours!

-Your Loving Momma