Showing posts with label Heartstrings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heartstrings. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Her First Day of the Rest of Her Life

There are moments in my one wild and crazy life that make me realize everything is moving way too fast, that make me pull out the camera and snap 500 photos because I know this is "the moment," and that make my eyes brim with tears at how bittersweet it all seems!

Last Tuesday was one of those days! My little Presley started Preschool!

We'd been preparing! Driving by and waving, talking about how much fun she would have, and what she would be doing. We even spent a few hours in her new classroom getting acclimated with her new environment. A new Yo Gabba Gabba lunch tote was made, the perfect outfit was picked out, and excitement was in the air.

But, I couldn't help but feel sad. And, when I say sad, I really mean SAD! My heart HURT! I know I've done this before, and for most this probably doesn't make sense that I would feel this way. Trust me, watching Giulietta walk away her first day of preschool was no walk in the park, but my girls are different. And, even though Giulietta was 6 months younger then Presley on her first day, Giulietta just seemed so much more confident, independent, and sure! Giulietta came out of my body that way, and she probably will always carry those characteristics with her, which somehow makes the firsts so much easier!

My girl...my buddy...my little koala...my feisty character is different!

We snapped these shots on the porch, loaded the car and headed to school. I tried my hardest to show excitement and hold it together, but I was truly a mess. The hubster held my hand tight on the drive there and assured me our girl would do wonderful. I thought in my head, "Ya, I know she'll do great, I expect nothing less from our girls! But, will she miss me? Will she cry? Will she be happy? Will she need me?"

The car was parked, girls unloaded, a few more shots taken, Giulietta dropped off at her classroom and the short walk to the door that Presley would open to the first day of the rest of her life was taken. I hurried her in, held onto her tightly with tears streaming down my checks, and told her I loved her, to have a great day and that I would be back in a short while. I waved at the teacher, and SPLIT! With a heavy heart, eyes full of tears, and the strong desire to run back and snatch my baby back into my arms I walked to the car.

The hubster & I sat there FREE! We should be dancing, throwing a party, enjoying our time, right?

Nope! I was heartbroken! I couldn't talk about anything else but my girl! I wanted to know how she was doing right that minute! The drive home was torture, and to be quite frank, the entire first hour of uncertainty felt like each minute took forever to tick by. But, finally I received a text & picture of my girl by the awesome director of her preschool. She was sitting, she was smiling, and she didn't need me after all! I smiled, my heart swelled, and I knew the first day of the rest of her life was perfect!


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Tears were never shed on Presley's first day.
There were some on her second.
On her third day, she threw her lunch in the bucket, knocked on her classroom door, gave me a kiss and walked in her classroom like she owned the place without even looking back.

It's bittersweet! You know, your children growing! It happens daily, but it's not until moments like these when you realize that its only been a mere blink of an eye and they have transformed into the little people they are, the little people that you have dreamt of them becoming!

I found this quote today, and it seems to sum this growing thing all up for me!

“Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them - a mother's approval, a father's nod - are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.” -Mitch Albom

What does it say to you? 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Don't Ever Grow Up...The Happy 4th Birthday Edition

At this very moment four short years ago, I nervously sat in a hospital bed, attached to what felt like every single machine known to man, anxiously awaiting the birth of my first baby girl. Fear, pain, love, hope, wonder and excitement engulfed my every emotion and left me feeling strong, capable, and determined to be the best Momma to my little princess.

What I didn't know, was exactly how much one little being could change me. Everyone told that bringing a life into the world  would change my life, my home, my family, my marriage, my career. Most of the time I politely smiled, nodded, and thought "well duh!" However, what those people didn't tell me, and maybe it's because they didn't know, is how much having my Giulietta would change ME. Change me for the good, the better, the best, and make me the Momma I am today!

 Sure, I have endured my share of sleepless nights, snotty noses, soiled bed sheets, midnight cries, and tedious tantrums. But, it isn't those moments that I remember when I look into my sweet girls eyes, when I hear the pitter patter of her feet on our hardwood floors, or when I steal a peak at her peacefully sleeping every night before I close my eyes. 

It's the moment I first saw her, 
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the moment she first smiled,
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the moment she felt snow for the first time.
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the moment she walked hand in hand with her Daddy and I through the park,
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the moment she first played with paint, 
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the moment she ate her first slice of birthday cake, 
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the moment she slept in her big girl bed all by herself,
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the moment her smile spread bigger then any other time,
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the moment she sat on the banks of the Mississippi sandwiched between her Daddy and I,
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the moment she became a big sister,
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the moment she sent her beloved paci to the "paci fairy,"
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the moment she ran outside in the rain until her coat was soaked through,
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the moment she danced around my bedroom like a princess wearing my wedding dress,
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the moment she got her first "real" manicure & pedicure,
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the moment she walked into her last first day of Preschool,
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the moment just us girls took an evening stroll around our neighborhood,
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and, the moment she danced her heart out at your 4th Birthday Concert.
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And, each of these moments, plus many more are what have changed ME. It is Giulietta that has changed me! Her inquisitive mind, her loving spirit, her infectious laugh, her brilliantly wide smile, her double dimples, her even temper, her problem solving skills, her love for life, her warm heart, her insistent independence, and her natural beauty embody who she is, give her confidence to be who she wants to be, and touch everyone who comes into contact with her.

Giulietta you are special.  You are my first born baby girl. You are someone everyone can turn to. You are someone who is easy to be around, someone you want, and often times need. You are a great thinker, who can often be found starring out into space contemplating or analyzing a particular situation. When you smile, really smile, there is nothing more beautiful then your expression. Your energy and attitude are full of charisma and love, with a lot of confidence and even more independence. And, when you look into your bright blue crystal like eyes, you can see your heart...full, honest, and loving.

Giulietta, don't ever change, don't ever grow up! Happy 4th Birthday my sweet girl, my first born, my little GEM. You are deeply loved more then words can express! XOXO


**I'd like to give special thanks to my dear friend Molly over at 
for capturing many of these beautiful moments in our lives! **








Thursday, September 13, 2012

A Mother's Letter

Let me just start this post with...if you don't have a box of Kleenex nearby, then go get them because you'll be sorry if you don't! What I have written below is a letter to Presley. You see, Presley was a twin, and the 1/2 of the whole who we have gotten to hold.  There are really so many details and feelings that I will share later, but for the purpose of the letter and this post all you really need to know, and understand is that I have grown...we have grown...and our life couldn't be more full of love!

An Evening Walk with my Girls Sept 2012 3


My Dearest Presley-

It’s been 21 months since I first looked into your beautiful blue eyes and felt your tiny little fingers wrapped around my big ones. In that small amount of time you have blessed my life, our families lives, time and time again with your mischievous smile, dancing pitter-patter, and uniquely wild charisma. You make me laugh, you make me smile, and you make me want to hold you closer and tighter each day.

You see, you were one of two. Some may view you as the lucky one, the special one, or even the stronger one, but I simply see you as the only one. The one that was meant to be.
The one that never leaves a moment dull.
The one that I want to never let go, for fear of someday losing.
The one that will forever give me a run for my money.

Sometimes when you sleep, I stand over you and think about how I want to just scoop you up and hold you to me. I hold your little fingers and think about how much of this world you have yet to touch. I push the tiny hairs off your forehead and ponder what you will grow up to be like. And, I place my hand on your heart and feel the swift beats thinking how I’ll have to one day explain to you what you are missing, what we are missing. The special bond of a twin!

On these nights, tears most likely end up filling my eyes and my heart can’t help but hurt because of the thought that one day you may possibly feel a loss over not ever knowing your twin. There’s no way to know how you might feel, what you might say, or how you might act when I choose to explain to you that you once shared the same special space inside me with another. But if you do hurt, I want you to know that you can always come to me, we can always talk, and you will forever carry a piece of your twin with you.

Tonight I sat in a room with “moms of multiples,” and at first I felt sad and uncomfortable because that is what I should have been. But, I quickly redirected my feelings and thought that even though I am not raising twins, it doesn’t mean I am not a Mom of multiples. Sure, I have not felt many of their pains and joys of having two at the same time, but I have felt the pain and loss of not having two. Truth be told, I was, I am, and I forever will be a mom of twins. And, it is things like that, that make it easier for me to be okay with the fact that your brother or sister is not laying next to you in your crib at night.

Oh my little Sweet Pea…I’m sorry!
Sorry that your twin didn’t make it!
Sorry that I hold you so close for fear of losing you too!
Sorry that I was so blind to my depression the first year of your life.
Sorry that I can’t change the past!
Sorry that you forever be deemed special!
Sorry that the loss I feel may someday be felt by you.

I want you to understand that I try not to look or think about what I may be missing anymore. Instead, I look at what I have, you and your sister, my two beautiful girls. I think about how precious you both are, and how truly blessed your Daddy and I are to call you our daughters. I want to tell you that I am no longer angry for what I don’t have, but instead thankful each day for the fact that your daddy and I are your parents, the ones who get to guide you down your path hand in hand until one day we slowly let go and watch you find your way. Sure, so days I am reminded, so days I feel the loss more then others, and some days I am sad. But, for the most part, the hole that once left my heart wounded has now been filled with love. Your love to be exact…the love that you helped me find in my moment of need.

Presley Ella, you are…
SO PERFECT!
SO ANIMATED!
SO FULL OF LIFE!
SO CHARISMATIC!
SO UNIQUE!
SO CUTE!
SO SMALL!
SO KOALA LIKE!
SO YOU!

No matter where life takes you, I will always be your number one supporter, your right hand man, and your personal cheerleader. Because, you were once mine, even thought you didn’t know it. You helped me more then anyone through my rough patch. You loved me unconditionally, listened to me when I needed to talk, and held my hand when my heart hurt so bad that tears couldn’t even fall. You were my life preserver that grabbed me before I sank, and helped me float with my head above water. You opened my eyes again, and helped me see what I had, not what I was missing!

I love you Presley Ella! Always have, and always will! You are mine, and I am yours!

-Your Loving Momma



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Thursday, August 30, 2012

Sweet Dreams Baby Girl

Tuesday night as I was putting my big girl to bed I stopped and hugged her. I know that sounds weird, because come on, I hug her all day long, but what I mean is that I REALLY hugged her. I held her close to my heart, felt her hair brush my check, and smelt her sweet perfume of little girl sweat mixed with bath soap. And, she held on to me the same way she did when she was a wee one, not that long ago.

As we were embraced in this beautiful moment I whispered in her ear that she would always be my baby,  that I loved her more then she knew, and that I never wanted her to grow up.  Once again the tightness began to constrict my throat and I could feel those salty tears pricking from the corners of my eyes. This time I blinked those glistening gems back with a big smile for the sake of not having to explain to my innocent 3 year old how some tears are happy, some are sad, and others are a mix of bittersweet emotions.

When we finally pulled away, my sweet baby girl lifted her bright blue eyes to mine with tears outlining her tan little cheeks. I waited a minute or two and then gently questioned why she was crying. Giulietta shook her head swiftly and stated, "I'm not crying!" Maybe her adamant denial was due to fear of embarrassment, or simply because she didn't realize or understand quite why she was crying. However, I took her soft pink cheeks in between my palms and wiped away her little river while explaining to her that they were happy tears, not sad.

She lunged forward into one more warm embrace, and my heart smiled. My sweet baby turned little girl felt exactly the same thing I did at the very same moment...unconditional love, mixed emotions about growing up, and simplistic beauty.


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The First Day of Her Last Year

It was almost four years ago that I welcomed my sweet Giulietta into this beautiful place we call home. At the time, I never knew how much one little person could change my world, my being, my everything. With each passing month, milestone, and year my girls growth has been a breathtaking experience to witness. There has been many moments when I felt my heartstrings pull a little extra tighter because the growing, the changing, and the new were so captivating. Some of these moments have been big milestones, where every Momma sheds a tear, while others have been what one might consider insignificant, but I on the other hand deem HUGE.

No matter the type of moment, I always get that tightening in the back of my throat as my tear ducts begin to swell and propel my emotions forward. Sometimes I try to hold them back in order to keep composure, to appear that I am that Momma who has it together when in fact we all know that I don't. I'm not sure why I do this; I have no shame! I am proud to be deemed the emotional roller-coaster type who is comfortable letting people know how I feel. And, I find it important that my girls see how much their achievements make not only my lips smile & my eyes puddle with tears, but my heart too.

Tuesday was a big day for me, for Giulietta, for all of us. Tuesday was not only a move up to a different classroom and different teacher, but it was also the First Day of her Last Year of Preschool. (Many of you may wonder what the heck I'm talking about since she is only three, but that is a story for a much later date.) I had been thinking about this day, this HUGE milestone for weeks ,and mentally preparing to make it special and perfect.

My girl needed a new outfit, a special breakfast, a new lunch tote, her hair all done up, and of course a mini photo shoot on our porch.


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The night before Giulietta's BIG debut in Room 4, I laid her outfit out, sewed her up a new Hello Kitty lunch tote, painstakingly rolled up some homemade mini cinnamon rolls for her to enjoy for breakfast the following morning, and thoughtfully put together a well balanced lunch for her first day. Then, I tried to sleep through the first day of school jitters I felt for my baby. The morning was perfect! Giulietta enjoyed breakfast, dressed excitedly in her new clothes, jumped for joy when I showed her the new lunch tote I had made the day before, sat patiently while I tried to make her hair look perfect, and practically ran out of the door when I gave the go ahead.

We took a few minutes to get those iconic shots of her on our porch, which now that I look at, our spacious porch somehow looks so small with my Big girl standing on it this year. I loaded everyone in the car, and we were off to Room 4, to the heartstring tug-a-war, to the growing and learning! And, all the while I kept thinking about how quickly all this had come...the first, the first of the last, and then later this year-the last!

With tears brimming my eyes and blurring my vision I watched my baby turned little girl skip up to the front gate of her school, excitedly find her name tag, pull the handle of her new classroom door and walk off to enjoy The First Day of Her Last Year of Preschool without ever looking back

Well...maybe only once when I called her name!

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